When the credits rolled, I almost cried. I didn’t, but I was close. It was an oddly emotional experience, but not for the reasons you’d think. The world of Faerûn is beautiful. The characters, the story, and the experiences are all incredible. I’m going to miss my time with that particular instance of the game. But none of that is why I was emotional.
I’ve owned Baldur’s Gate 3 since it first dropped in Early Release. Back then, you could only play the first act, over, and over, and over. That was the idea, though. They were trying to iron out most of the game-breaking bugs. Larian also did an exceptional job of taking player feedback and incorporating it into the game in a way that vastly improved, well, everything about it. But eventually, the full game released, and it was time to start over, with a new character, a new game, and actually play it the way it was intended.
I jumped in willfully. I had been waiting for this moment for years. But then, I just sort of stopped. Close to the end of Act I, I took a break that was only meant to be for a few days, and then it dragged on, for weeks, for months, for years. Every once in a while I would go back to the game and play a little more, but then I’d hit a challenge or a stopgap and then I’d take another long-term break.
Some of the pictures here could be considered spoilers. I tried to leave anything too world shattering out, but keep it in mind if you haven’t beat Baldur’s Gate 3 yourself.
It wasn’t the challenge
Here’s the thing. It wasn’t the challenge that was stopping me, at all. I have played through all of the Dark Souls games, including Elden Ring, Bloodborne and Sekiro. I have played through a ton of Souls-likes, including the Nioh games, the new Lords of the Fallen, and many many more. I’ve played through many difficult games. I’m not saying this to brag, I’m saying this to prove the point that I’m no stranger to challenge. And I’ve been playing games for most of my life, since childhood, and I’m nearly 40 now. I’m used to dying, restarting, dying, restarting, and getting incrementally better with every try. So, that process or experience wasn’t the problem.
Okay, what was going on?
It wasn’t the story. I love the story. It wasn’t the gameplay. I don’t mind the turn-based and strategic combat. I don’t mind the in-depth character building, in fact, I love RPGs. It wasn’t a lack of devices to play on. I own a beefy gaming PC, a PS5, a Steam Deck. I have options.
So, what was it? At first, I thought it might be that I was scared to finish. Because finishing meant I could never experience that first playthrough again. But then, I saw how much variability and replayability is available. Every playthrough from now on will still be different enough that it’s fresh. So, it wasn’t that either.
At the time, I was working hard, and long hours. Not manual labor. Mental labor. I’m a writer, a copywriter, specifically, and I worked with brands to craft content that aligned with their mission. I took pride in my work, despite my employer shitting all over it in various ways. I didn’t dread going to work, or doing the work, but I did sometimes dread working with some of the clients, and some of the leadership. But none of that was really stopping me from playing games and enjoying myself.
So, what was it?
I’ve come to terms with the fact that it had to be my mental state. A deep-seated, almost subconscious push to avoid the game, a game that I loved, and that I really, really wanted to complete. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to complete a game this badly before, despite not being able to. It was a weird turn of events, and I’m still not even sure I know how or why I got over it.
I talked to lots of friends who completed it. I even turned a friend on to the world of Baldur’s Gate, who had never played anything like this before. He loved it, and he even played through it cooperatively with his wife, who is not your average gamer. They completed it. I still hadn’t. What the hell was going on?
That’s the other thing. I refused to play co-op with anyone past what I had seen, because I wanted to complete the game solo first. It was a serious hamper in my experiences, but definitely one that was self imposed.
Interestingly enough, in December of 2024, the week before Christmas, I was fired. They told me it was for performance, but that was horseshit. I had just got done working long hours, overtime, on weekends and nights, to cover for Black Friday and the holiday shopping season. I was also working with a skeleton crew and an almost managerless team for nearly the full year — our section manager left earlier that year. Since I was salaried exempt, I made no overtime pay. And, being fired, I lost access to any scheduled PTO, which sucked ass because I did have a trip planned to see family the week after Christmas. I still went, but with no holiday pay, or any kind of pay, for that matter. It was low. They are dirty, dirty people.
By all rights, I should have descended into the depths of madness and depression. But I didn’t. I took the time to get to work immediately. That very day, I updated my resume and began applying like my life depended on it. I’ve had no luck, still to this day, just rejection after rejection — which does really start to hurt after a while and feels personal.
But in my downtime, especially on the weekends, I began playing Baldur’s Gate 3 again. I began chipping away at the plot, section by section, quest by quest. Until April 19, when I finally completed my first playthrough.
It was incredible, remarkable, heartfelt. I’ve finished many, many games before but this was different. I think because I had such a personal tribulation it meant more to me.
I’m starting a new playthrough with Durge
I still can’t believe I finished it. It feels great. I’ve overcome a personal challenge and accomplished something that, weirdly, I once thought was impossible. I’m not looking for a pat on the back. I’m not even looking for praise of any kind. It’s just something I wanted to share and something I wanted to talk about.
Maybe not with this game, but maybe you’re experiencing something similar with another? Hopefully, this offers a little encouragement to get you back into it. It’s unfortunate that when we sink, depression or anxiety, it takes away from some of the things in this world we love, like games, sports, reading, movies, and so on.
As for me, I’m diving back in to do another variable playthrough. This time, I’m going with the Dark Urge. I want to experience a truly evil game, which is something that I’ve just never been able to commit to fully in other games. I don’t know why. But, screw it, we’re going to make this time work.
I did it. I beat Baldur’s Gate 3. By the way, my total playtime is resting just above 160 hours. Holy shit.
